Mt. Pisgah in Eugene, Oregon
Tonight Sara Bareilles didn’t win a grammy, and I didn’t get a callback. We didn’t win today, and oddly enough I feel kind of jazzed.
Ok, jazzed is a strong word. Not getting what you want is sucky. Not getting chosen for something you really want doesn’t feel so awesome, but in my opinion, it’s funny how in a round about way rejection can end up making us feel optimistic. Perhaps if we let it, rejection can help us find the true opportunities we were meant to stumble upon in the end. I am not entirely sure I believe in fate, but I feel that if we consciously and positively choose so, everything can happen for the right reasons. Sort of like a proactive faith in destiny. We have to have the strength to propel ourselves into new adventures and chances. If we choose to dwell and be paralyzed or humiliated by failure, we are less likely to take a breath and try again, or try something entirely new. Sara Bareilles, for example, has not-won-grammies several times, but she’s still a kickass star lady who I admire deeply. Even though she’s been rejected and failed many a time, she still finds ways to be successful and awesome. Like Sara, I have yet to find any kickass people who haven’t failed a whole lot.
Today I auditioned for a musical and I didn’t get in. For whatever reason I was not meant to be in this particular theatrical experience, and for whatever reason I feel completely content with that. In the past rejection has been uncomfortably debilitating for me, especially in theatre. In the past when I didn’t get a role in a show it would send me spiraling into anger and resentment. It was awful.
I certainly don’t feel debilitated, or even nearly as upset as I used to feel when I failed. Maybe I’ve matured (questionable), or maybe I’m just starting to realize that freaking the fuck out over failure is what ends up making failure actually suck so much. Negativity begets negativity begets negativity. It’s common sense, but common sense and emotions don’t always mix so smashingly. That is why we have to mindfully choose to be positive after failing. Whether or not it is true, believing that things happen in order to lead me to where I belong is extraordinarily helpful in feeling positive when I am lost. And believe me, I am often lost.
Lately I’ve been thinking very much about the direction I want to take my life right now. This notion of self discovery is obviously pretty standard at my age- it’s basically the point of college. However, I have been considering some fairly radical options. I’ve been struggling between the idea of staying on this traditional college path at a four year University, or possibly transferring to a school where I would be essentially studying abroad for the rest of college. I have an intense desire to be flung into a consistent cycle of travel, and I am going back and forth chaotically. I genuinely believe either path could be fulfilling; if I stay at this school I will be in an incredible major and potentially have wonderful experiences; if I transfer and live abroad I will be taking a huge leap out of normality and will certainly be living a life of thrill and spontaneity.
The issue is that when I am discontent here, the other option seems incredibly appealing, and I know that is simply not realistic. Now that I’m (sort of) an adult I certainly can’t just run away whenever something feels uncomfortable. I know it’s cliche, but dreaming about other places and opportunities is always going to feel better than a present moment that feels difficult. That’s why I’m going to stick it out here for the rest of the year and focus intently on making the next six months as fulfilling and blissful as possible. It’s been a bit of a struggle, feeling socially demystified at times and yearning desperately to find my niche on campus, but the past week I sort of just let go of expectations and everything felt much freer and enjoyable. If I can keep focusing on letting my free spirit culminate itself, I think the right path will illuminate on its own.
In the mean time, I’m working on noticing the things I’m most grateful for. Consistently refocusing our attention on the good things is an easy habit that will bring about positivity.
Today I am grateful for:
- The hilarious and classic night I had on Friday
- The gorgeous hike to Mt. Pisgah on Saturday
- Being drenched in sunshine the past few days
- Long, deep talks with the people on my floor
- Indian food
- I am in love with school this term, which is a feeling I haven’t experienced in quite some time. I am incredibly lucky to be in engaging classes with wonderful professors
- My Mom’s deep support and love
- MUSIC- recently I’ve spent a lot of time exploring music on 8tracks and SoundCloud and I am obsessed with finding new musical discoveries
Seeking Numinous 